Letter to Yellow

Dear Yellow,

I really don't know how long it's been since I last saw your face, but I know that it's been too long. I often think about you and what you are doing, who you're with, where you are, and why you and I are still, after all this time, stuck in the same damn place. I blame myself, because it is mostly my fault. I was always too much of a coward to approach you, but for good reason. To be quite frank, you scare me. You and your intense gaze, your hypnotising smile, your whole aura that exudes the type of rugged manliness that we females can only fantasize about. It's what you do to me that scares me. I try to reassure myself and say that it’s probably for the best that we never were, but when it comes to you, it seems I always lose all sense of reasoning. Yes, some part of me still believes that we belong; and yes, there is still a little hope left in this worn out heart that it may happen. But, I don't want to jinx anything, not unless I am absolutely certain you have eyes for no one but me. Then, I shall scream it for the world to hear that Yellow is finally mine, and I am finally his.

Like Magic...

Written: Friday, 1st March, 2013

The thought came so suddenly to me that I had to stop walking to realize that yes, I actually just thought of him.

I wanted to see him, and now. But, I thought no, it's not going to happen. I haven't seen him all week, what on earth was I thinking today would be any different?

Then I looked up.

And just then, my heart skipped a beat, maybe two. I'm not sure because I was so lost in the moment, the world around me could have been in flames and I wouldn't even know... I wouldn't even care because he was there, right in front of me, within my reach!

Where did he come from?! I didn't even see him before that... before this! It was as if I dreamt him up, as if my thoughts summoned him to me... I mean, he appeared just as suddenly as the thought had. In my mind, I was begging him to turn around and see me.

Did he know I was walking right behind him? I even thought to overtake him just so he could know that I was there, because for some weird reason, I really wanted him to know that I was there. Question is, would he even care?

But that's not what really got me. It was what happened a little later that really caught my attention.

When I got close enough to touch him, for some reason, I found it hard to breathe. It was like that movie, Waiting for forever. My experience was exactly like that, and it scares me because that was the first time something like that has happened to me.

He literally took my breath away.

When it all began...

I see him around more frequently than I did before, and each time I see him, I'm reminded of the day it all began. Yes, I can recall it all because I made sure to write it on a piece of paper because I wanted to remember the exact day it happened. When it all began...

This is what I wrote:

Written: Sunday 27th February, 2011

" Today was a day like none other as I made a startling, yet not surprising discovery. It was a sudden realization of what I had already known; for my heart had felt it, but my mind was too stubborn to admit defeat.If I were to say that I never expected such a thing to happen, I would only be fooling myself for I knew that I could not dodge Cupid's arrows any longer; a year had been too long a dry spell for me. "

Basically, I was already in love with him, I just didn't know it then. In regards to the dry spell, the previous guy I had liked was one of his best friends, but that was nothing more than a crush. What I have for him right now, is real. How could I be so sure? I've asked myself that question a million times at least and I came to the same conclusion each time: I just know. When you find love that's real, it's different from any other love you've ever felt before. All of a sudden, he was the only one in the crowded room I could see, his voice was the only one I could hear, his eyes were the only ones I searched for. I've heard songs and watched movies about it, but nothing could have prepared me for that moment. It's different for everyone, how we experience it, but the feelings the same... that real love, that is. It's one of the most amazing things in the world to feel. It's like finding that one thing you didn't even know you were missing.

I've been confused before when it came to love (when I was younger) and when I look back at it now, I laugh at myself because my idea of love at the time was so wrong. You can't help who the heart chooses, but don't confuse a few skipped beats and butterflies for love.

Even I could be wrong right now. What I feel for him could just be a phase I'd someday pass.

I'm a christian girl, and I committed my life into God's hands long ago. So, if it is in His will for me not to be with him, I will be content with that decision. Don't get me wrong, I'd be ecstatic if we do end up together, but if do not, I will be equally happy. And I do pray it's him who God intends for me...

My distraction

I was just sitting here in the library with the hope of seeing him slowly fleeting.

I was certain that I was not going to see him today, but then he always seems to catch me off guard all the darn time.

I was slouching, with my head in my hands, leaning forward, looking all tired eyed and everything, when he decided to finally show his face. Impeccable timing to show up when I am the least prepared! So, he walks by with his friends and it only took a glance for me to know it was him. And that annoying thing that always happens when I see him, happened again. Butterflies and everything, swarming in my stomach, fluttering in my heart, making me feel all weird inside. It scares me to know that I thrive on these brief encounters I have with him, that for most of the time, it is the highlight of my day. It’s like an addiction that I cannot help. And I cannot wait for him to come back my way. Just the thought of him alone distracts me, making me oblivious to the world around me. So, you can imagine how gaga I go when I do actually see him.

So, until he comes back, I will constantly look out the window to ensure that I do not miss him. After all, the day is far from over.

My nightly visitor

Written: Wednesday 21st August, 2013

For the past few days I've been sick, I've been dreaming about him - every night, and even when I sleep in the mornings and afternoons. Could it be that God is telling me something? Or is is just me selfishly dreaming of my hearts desire?

The thing about these dreams though, is that I did not force them. So far, each time I went to sleep, I closed my eyes expecting nothing. And yet, each time, he appeared. I don't know how many times I've actually gone to sleep wishing I'd see him in my dreams, but didn't... So, to have this happen now without even trying is a real surprise for me. I don't know how many times I've awaken with a smile on my face. What if I had it plastered on the whole duration of my sleep?! Oh no... If they only knew what I was dreaming about!

All I can say is, I'm glad he haunts my dreams now, but I'd also love to see him in reality more often. I hardly do in school and I only go to church every other Sunday, and even then I'm never sure if he's also there. Nevertheless, I shall close my eyes tonight and pray I see him again, for it is he who gets me through the anguished nights, when the pain in my stomach becomes almost unbearable. Dear God, please let me see my nightly visitor again tonight.

A lil' HI lil' LO

Ok, so before I get started with this blog, I just want to set the record straight and tell you all right now that this blog is intended for all the poems, thoughts and whatever else I may come up with about this particular guy... we shall call him my muse. Speaking of muse, who else is in love with the band?

Anyway, yes, this blog will be about him and no one else! Muahahahaha... if he only knew. Shall I bore you all with a short intro of my peculiar love story? I promise to make it extra short... or at least try to. Here goes:

I love him. He doesn't know. I don't intend on letting him know unless he makes the first move, which I doubt he would because I've been waiting for a few years now for it to happen. I don't talk to him much, but when I do I go all mushy inside and start singing Taylor Swift songs (I'm not dissing her by the way, I'm actually a huge fan). We've known each other for years, but we don't really know each other (if you know what I mean. Hopefully, you do). I used to have a huge crush on his best friend, which led me to do something extremely stupid, but that was eons ago... plus, this thing I have for this guy is wayy more than just a crush (I mean, I used two y's to emphasize my point). I have, or should I say had, reason to believe that fate tried to bring us together in the past, but that never happened because... well, like I said earlier, I'm waiting on him to make that first move. I mean, that's all he has to do. I can totally take over the rest. Oh, and did I mention that we are two very different people? He is... well, let's just say that my sisters think that I'm too good for him. I mean, we're so not alike, no one thinks we could even like each other. It took me all the freaking courage in the world to tell my sisters that I liked him, and they laughed in my face because they thought I was joking. When I told them I wasn't, they said they wished I was. How funny is that, right?

So yes, that's basically it. I've tried to get advise from other guys and some of them are certain he has a thing for me too, but just isn't sure how to approach me about it. I'm like, pshh, I'm a very approachable person. He just might be catching me at the wrong time all the time, like when the sun is in my eyes, or when I see someone I hate, or when I'm just frowning for no reason. Other than that, I don't see why he wouldn't approach me. What do you think?

Wait! Oh my goodness, what am I doing boring you with my problems? I was just supposed to introduce the darn blog and I got a little carried away with the story telling. Maybe I'll continue it some other day, but for now, I have to tell y'all what to expect so you know what you're getting yourself into...

Basically, it will be mushy stuff, so if you don't like it, don't say I didn't warn you. But, if you do like mushy stuff, yay! Welcome to the club girlfriend... or boyfriend. Whichever you are (hey, I do not judge. Much.) So yes, it won't really be like how I'm writing right now, but I can totally write like this again if you want. It would be more like diary entries, letters addressed to him, poems, etc. So, yes, I do hope that you enjoy the ride. And don't forget to leave a comment or share it :)

Stay awesome.